What is Sobriety? And how do we keep from faking it.

The age old questions, what is it, really, why is it needed? Who is responsible

for whose, when is it time, and the myriad of how to get there with authenticity . I ask this question today because I myself struggle with sobriety. However dry, abstinent or faithful I am to program and process I am followed by a black, not pink, cloud. It is ominous, and foreboding. No matter the state of mind, or how perfect the day goes. I am telling you, everything could be going relatively amazing, and then, low and behold, the chaotic insecurity and disillusionment billows out from the file cabinets in my mind. For this is where the disease of addiction and attachment live. I have searched for true subtlety for almost 18 years of my adult life. Before I gained the gift of rigorous honesty I was persuaded by society, and the exact culture we live in still today, that to be sober was sad, pitiful and bleak. As if bring able to numb my displaced trauma and get away with it was the acceptable norm. I am 40 years old and can honestly say, if I had only taken this investigation more seriously at a younger age. or at least took it, and myself more honestly… maybe the cloud would not even be there at all. Who likes pink any way?

OK, starting with the what. What does it mean to be “sober”? Well the Merriam-Webster dictionary identifies it as an adjective, one which describes someone who 1. Is not intoxicated; 2. One who abstains from alcohol, drugs , food or sex ; Then we come to the stuff I was not completely clear about, at least until now. 3. Marked by sedate, gravely or earnestly thoughtful character and demeanor, unhurried or calm; Marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness; and las but not least showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice. Like I said, I knew what it meant to be abstinent from things, people, and places. I knew what it meant to not take intoxicants, especially in order to change your state of mind due to feeling. However I had never really understood the meaning of sobriety as calm and humble. That in itself sheds a whole new light on exactly white sobriety is, also makes a little more apparent what it is not. I choose now to further investigate this elusive creature sobriety. Running away from me like a black cat in an alley, I chased this damn thing for a very long time. To no avail many nights, days which ran into months and years remain a constant blur.

This brings us to why sobriety is needed, required and or suggested. In program we talk about strength experience and hope. We come from a place that knows better than before, usually because the past was so painful it made us never want to go back. Sometimes it takes a little bit more than messing up once or twice. Personally if you ask me, and I’m writing this blog, I was a downright asshole. I had absolutely no problems that were of my own making, because everything I did was exactly the way it should be done. Even with some time under my belt I still believe that my way is the best way. I needed to get sober for a plethora of reasons, one being I was probably going to kill myself. However that was the first time I decided to “dry out“. I jumped on the bandwagon of sobriety and ran with it, I was easily liked in crowds because I could Chameleon and manifest myself however I needed to to feel a part of something . Even if I was completely abstinent from intoxicants I was unable to be honest with myself, or pretty much anybody I came in contact with at this time. I am not only an addict but I am an adult child of an alcoholic, but that’s another story for another blog.

The need to be sober. Why would anyone need anything? If you were going to go skydiving, hiking through the Appalachian trail, diving with sharks or any other semi-dangerous to dangerous activities, one would most likely “need” to learn how to do said activity and have a guide. My life has been dangerous so early on when I was in high school an early guide, 12 step program, was offered to me, not because I was an addict, because I was a child of an addict. I began to learn early that in any negative experience I would gain the ability to help someone else. I never really realized how important that was to my sobriety today until recent times. I understand today why I think the way I think. I am able to dissect my thoughts, more often too much, and analyze them in a way that holds me accountable. The philosophy and faith system I follow is also a catalyst to what I believe is complete sobriety. I do my best to see equality and everybody. Equanimity is a foundation of what I believe to live a happy life. If we go back to the definition of sobriety one of those definitions was gravely or earnestly thoughtful. I like to think today that I do things out of the kindness of my heart and not with any contingency or ulterior motive. I can’t promise that I always adhere to this thought process, I do the best I can today. I also try to remain in the moment as much as possible which makes it much easier to do things. When I stay in the moment it helps me realize that it’s just a moment, it’s not forever, and things change in an instant .

The next little ditty is a bit of a confusing subject, I would say. The who’s who of responsibility in sobriety in my opinion, should be very obvious. This is not the case always. Originally when I first got sober I had ulterior motives I knew that I wanted to live and I didn’t want to die. Thinking that you’re going to die is a pretty scary thing. I have been in that situation more than once, and one of these if not more than one of these times was self-inflicted. Regardless, knowing that you are on the brink of death could scare just about anybody into submission, and submission was not enough for me. I continued to fall in and out of recovery rooms, falling off the wagon and getting back on. It was kind of a whirlwind experience, full of drama, excitement and lots of blue and red blinking lights. I hurt people, and would make promises to get better, never keeping them or following through with anything. I thought it was the program or the doctors responsibility to “get me clean”. How wrong was I? I know today that I am responsible for my sobriety, my actions, the way I react and I am not responsible for the way others do those things. I’m also not responsible for how people think about me, I could drive my head into a wall with all the times I’ve tried to be something for someone else. If something upsets me or eats my lunch, it is my fault, they are my thoughts. Most times things like that threw me back into active addiction, never feeling like I could ever be enough. Always wanting to fix manage and control. Knowing that if I had the right scheme, I researched it enough or planned the perfect getaway plan everything would be OK. Then about six years ago I I found faith. Real, solid, philosophy of life. Buddhism it’s not for everybody, we are all different, and we all can believe differently. I was raised Roman Catholic, and still pray some of the prayers I learned as a child. Merit is driven by love and kindness.Even when we believe the same thing, the same dogma we believe it differently as individuals. In my sobriety I’ve learned not to judge people for their faith. I’ve learned that it comes in all shapes and sizes, it’s just really important to have. Especially in today’s society and how the world is shaping, and how the world had shaped us. In recent times my faith has been tested frequently, yet today because of my constant contact with the universe I smile knowing that the fact is my imagination will either limit me or help me grow. I am grateful today my faith helps me to not worry as much and to step away from anxiety and perfectionism.

Boundaries are also a huge part of recovery, in my opinion. Before I was 35 years old I don’t think I had any boundaries. I thought it was cool to be open, vulnerable and free. Not ever taking into consideration how uncomfortable it it made everybody around me. I look back now and sorely laugh to myself about all the absolutely ridiculous things I did for attention. Thinking that crossing boundaries was an anarchist right. Now I know that I just made people that were not as confident, comfortable or secure with themselves more insecure, angry or just plain annoyed with me. A therapist once told me that boundaries are put in place to protect us, and if we allow people to cross our boundaries there’s no real reason to have them at all. Having boundaries and keeping boundaries is some of the most difficult work I have ever done. Most people I have found lack in boundaries. Society teaches us to “be OK“ with whatever is going on, teaches us that our feelings don’t really matter. We also learn at a young age that there’s not time to process things and we need to move on. I agree with the move on part, but how are you supposed to move on if you can’t accept what the hell is going on? Process is an imperative part of acceptance. People also take my boundaries personally some of the time , I find myself explaining and justifying my boundaries to people. However when I do, it becomes a little clearer why I have them, I do have to reinforce that it has nothing to do with them I’m just a weirdo.

I personally don’t think there is a time that anyone is supposed to get or needs to get sober. Unless they are causing harm to themselves out others. That depends on what you think being in pain is or causing pain is, I know that I think of it much differently today, than I did in the beginning of my sobriety. As I touched on earlier I knew I needed to get my shit together when I thought I was going to die the first time. Yet I did not really “get it” until 2018, my original sobriety date is October 7, 2004. I have relapsed seven times since I originally got sober, and the ride has been rough. Timing was everything in the end, and I have learned more about myself in my recovery than I could on the outside, and would not trade any of it or do it over again. I believe I have come on the flip-side of this continuing to doubt myself, which in turn helps me grow. Today I know that at any point in time I am one decision away from ruining my life, I must remain vigilant. I believe that without a foundation of a good support system, faith in my higher power and the universe I would be at a loss. I have done so many things to convince myself that I didn’t have a problem. I tried hanging out with different groups of people, playing different sports joining different gyms. I also have a very toxic eating disorder, so I blamed my addiction on that for many moons. I’ve blamed it on my mother, my friends and lovers. Failed relationships are one of my favorite things to allow myself to be consumed in, and I have broken many hearts allowing myself to enable others. The only real thing that works at all is being 100% honest with myself, and having people in my life that will hold me accountable. Accepting my life is unmanageable and I have zero control is my bedrock. I don’t know what I would do without Buddhism, one day I read a book by the Dalai Lama, The Universe in a Single Atom: The Convergence of Science and Spirituality by Dalai Lama XIV , and it changed my life. Since then I have been on a quest for the knowledge and wisdom it takes to genuinely be serene and peaceful, no matter what’s going on in my life. I am aware today that happiness is always attainable, It just may look different than what I had expected originally, and sometimes suffering can overwhelm even the most joyous of hearts. However today I remain in recovery. I remain close to those who love me for who I am, and accept me. I do my best Do not judge others, and to understand that as Ram Dass said “We are all just walking each other home”.

Today I really believe that, I don’t believe that things just happen, I know they happen in the way they’re supposed to and that I have absolutely zero control over that, and neither do you. I do my best to grow in love for myself and others every day of my life. I have a dog that played catalyst to my sobriety that I will be forever in debt to, this is a fact. Learn to love yourself before you learn to love anything, then get a plant, a fish, a dog and so on. Life is too short and time is our most precious commodity, Today, one moment at a time, I am doing my best to make it count.