What a smile...

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I woke up this morning, and I smiled. I find it hard to believe that someone could go 24 hours without being grateful. However, I am aware that there are plenty of people that think there is nothing to be grateful for in days like these.

I have been battling an auto immune disorder. very similar to multiple sclerosis, for over a year now. There was a period of time where I couldn’t walk at all. My legs swelled as soon as I got out of bed, they looked like bratwurst that had been shoved in the casings the wrong way. I couldn’t change it, and I had to adjust my whole life. All just to be able to get around and do the things I normally did every single day. At one point in time the team of doctors that I had established were convinced that I had some type of lymphoma, which was the scariest Thing I had ever experienced. My heart broke every day, I was sad because I didn’t think I’d ever be able to walk again, swim again, or snowboard. I had overcome so many things in my life and here I was helpless without any hope or any reprieve.I had lived a life where I came to realize how much I had taken for granted, so much for granted. Like I said I woke up this morning with a smile just like I used to but the smile today is much different, and means so much more.

In hindsight I was very stubborn, I am very stubborn. I don’t like to ask people for help, quite frankly it’s probably one of the things I like to do least in my life. It ranks right up there with admitting that I was wrong, or admitting that I am hurt, sick or inconvenienced in anyway. That’s just the pride. I realize now how dangerous pride can be, that mixed with a good dose of ego can set one on a course for destruction. Things that could be done relatively easy just by asking someone for assistance, becomes a chore, a chore that results in resentment, disgust and failure at its worst. Nevertheless it’s taking me over A year to be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile knowing that without the help from the people that assisted me, and the talented genius that surrounds me I would not be able to smile today. I came to realize that as we are all human, we need each other. We require communication, and involvement between other spirits that want for our well-being and happiness as much as we do.

I took a deep interest in Buddhism almost 3 years ago, Shortly after that I took refuge. To take refuge by definition, is to put yourself in a place that is safe and free from pursuit, danger, interrogation or outside stress. Without doing that exact thing, be it in Buddhist philosophy or any philosophy for that matter, I seriously don’t think I would be in the position to be writing this blog today.

I battle back-and-forth with my sobriety on a number of levels. To remain abstinent from something that curbs your ability to feel would seem most amazing, in our darkest times. I have learned that within learning to feel and allowing my feelings to be prevalent in my life, makes one able to grow as well as heal. In turn we can then learn something from the pain. I used to ask myself what good is all the pain, when all the actions and decisions I made were going to do is cause me more pain. It wasn’t the pain, it was the fear. The fear of feeling in adequate, unworthy and useless made me want to hide, away from everyone and everything.

Fear is a weird thing, it has a way of controlling your every movement, depending on just how scared you are of something. When I receive the phone call, and my rheumatologist told me I could very well have cancer it changed me. A diagnosis be at terminal or not is news, that if negative, nobody wants to receive. It’s an understatement to say that dealing with this, I have become a stronger person, although strength really doesn’t hit the nail on the head for this one.

I feel as if learning from my years of sobriety, and relapse, that acceptance has been the key that opened the door to my salvation. I was never a person that thought there was an easy fix to anything. I was very aware, and fearful of how much things were going to be, how much they were going to hurt and who I was going to disappoint. I would rather just ignore it and let it kill me, rather then attempt to fix anything. We are taught at a very young age that the more control we have the easier it will be to get by in life, to my dismay I found ow sorely we are mistaken, and in resisting the need for control I have reached an understanding with myself.

I have learned to appreciate myself much more than I used to, I’ve learned that self-care and self appreciation takes us so much further in healing than I ever thought was possible. Time heals, this is something that we learn over and over in our lives. However acceptance can make that time not stretch on so damn long, it can make that light at the end of the tunnel a little bit brighter. Then the path to enlightenment can a little nicer and more enjoyable to walk.

I started to write this while I was watching the Boston Red Sox play the New York Mets tonight. I’m quite frustrated with the fact that I can’t watch the Yankees and the Phillies because of how many people tested positive for COVID-19 on the Miami Marlins. It sparked a process of v thought, of how far I’ve come within just a year, how much more patient and aware I am, how I understand and really take the time to see through others eyes. A different perspective that sheds light. It makes it more palatable to deal with the stresses and the emotions. I wish to evolve throughout this COVID-19 business, evolve more than I even have before, and hopefully it will stick.

The universe works in very mysterious ways, and I believe that in preparation for the pandemic I was made to understand the strength in my acceptance. I look for the light available in each day. I thank the fates every time I open my eyes and take a breath. I cherish my life as I cherish all others lives as well, whether I am dependent on it’s existence or not. Everyone deserves happiness, and that doesn’t escape the fact that we are all suffering. Those things go hand-in-hand. And in acceptance I have realized that my happiness stems from the fact that I have been sad, in pain and regretful. I hope that you get to watch whatever sports you would like to watch, tonight or in the near future. I hope your heart is not as broken as mine, due to the lack of romanticism left in the past times, that we’ve depended on for so many years. I {pray you take time to look at yourself and see how beautiful of a person you really are. realize the ability you have to make everything as real and present as you want it to be. As you breathe I hope you recognize how precious each breath is, and how much time allows us to learn. I love you... I hope this finds you well, full of happiness and free from all the suffering in the world.

As you breathe in, cherish yourself. As you breathe out, cherish all beings.

~ Dalai Lama