Trigger-happy: 7.3.2021

trig·ger

/ˈtriɡər/

Learn to pronounce

*noun*

a small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, especially in order to fire a gun.

*verb*

cause (an event or situation) to happen or exist.

(taken from Webster’s dictionary)

Today… I am talking about my triggers.

Life has been a series of learning experiences, hard-core learning experiences, for the past year. Not only Covid but other health issues. have been dealing with and was removed from places of comfortability. Most of those rough places are around people. Almost always around people. Most people that know me as an extroverted person because, they met me when I was either intoxicated or manic. If I was not under the influence of some sort, Then you were most likely getting the version of me that was high on my own mania. Being type one bipolar is not a fun ride to say the least. I never wanted to be the center of attention, it just happened and then when I got used to it I got addicted just like I got addicted to everything. If I wasn’t wanting to feel my feelings I used everything I could to get away from them, at ANY COST.

During the pandemic I’ve reached into my recovery toolbox and started to work with new tools that I’ve never worked with, before now. Introspection can be slippery slope if you abuse the space. I have found in this time of reflection I am realizing some of my true character defects. I also have come to understand that some of my boundaries I set so incredibly high, just to be able to control others.I understand my triggers, and why they trigger me in the first place.

The other day I heard a friend talk about their childhood trauma and how it affected them as an adult. Not just how it affected them as an adult, but how they had no idea how much their trauma had affected their adult life.

As children we rely on the adults in our lives to teach us most of what we know. Depending on those adults to teach us correctly it’s not at the discretion of said child, it’s all we really have as children. The childhood trauma I went through can be explained in an analogy. I used to go to one of those wave pools at a theme park, when I was little. They were so much fun, at the wave pool. You know the ones where you hear a really loud bell, and then every 30minutes orso a huge wave comes and crashes everybody and then stops and allows you to get comfortable in the water again. So much fun!!!!

Not so much when that’s how childhood played out. Keep in mind there was no warning Bell.

I would come into situations that I didn’t understand, and forced myself to be OK at a very early age. Most of the time with things I shouldn’t have ever tried to be OK with; yet I got some type of sick pleasure out of being able to fix manage and control the adults in my life that didn’t have their shit together. I was able to manipulate everybody and get exactly what I wanted. I used this technique for many years.

I really don’t like to name names and get into specifics when I talk about my past because people are people and we all make mistakes. The truth of the matter is that as a child, if we learn actions and reactions from our MOTHERS or FATHERS, we only have that knowledge at our fingertips. I know that after 25 years of growing up, doing the same things as my mother had over and over, it became extremely difficult to learn to react in a different way, or not react at all.

I’ll have to say my biggest trigger ever is hurting the people I love the most, or giving them any reason to have displeasure in their lives. I spent about 23 years twisting and turning, manipulating the people I love. Now after being in and out of recovery for 17 years I think, I finally have my head above water enough to know that, I don’t wanna hurt those people. Now when I do,, I completely retreat because I feel like I’m going to fall back into old patterns. Even if the hurt or the discrepancy isn’t something that is a big of a deal it could be as petty as not putting the toilet seat down in my grandmothers house, it would devastate me just because it pisses her off.

For some reason I feel like I should know how to read everybody’s mind still, and I don’t, which I’m actually pretty happy about, to say the least. When I do hurt people I love I not onlylock up Like a bad transmission, I wind up allowing my mind to go places that it hasn’t been in 20 years. The fear surrounds me I physically start to get sick, nauseous, and I sweat in a matter of 30 seconds. THAT’S ANXIETY FOLKS!

It used to be when these kind of things happened I wanted to get away from my introversion and introspection purely because I didn’t want to be alone, I was afraid to deal with what I had going on in my mind and if I had people around me and I was the center of attention I didn’t have to…. YAY!

Not so much, I could try to suffocate it out and get it to leave me alone, so I wouldn’t have to think about the negativity or malice that I was dealing with, alcohol is great for that, so was sex, drugs, shopping, gambling, anything I could get my hands on to fill the void. But mostly I used people, use them to make me feel better about myself because I couldn’t rely on my own emotions and feelings to tell me the truth. I have been raised in this fabricated life or everybody thought that I was passive aggressive and that you should be passive aggressive. Today when I apologize I have to really explain that I’m being genuine so I don’t come across as a passive aggressive asshole.

Minutes ago I had to talk myself through it, but I I had to talk to SOMEBODY else that I love, And is very important to me through my negative mindset and I said

“ sometimes when I’m triggered, I have to be alone. I have to process it because if I don’t I’ll act out in other ways and treat THAT person the exact same way I was treated as a child and trauma, in order to be triggered or learn to be triggered in the first place.

PTSD is not a joke. I also used to be one of those people that thought people made up shit like PTSD. It’s not shit, and it’s very real. You don’t have to be an army veteran to have PTSD, you can just have a abusive parents, even mildly abusive parents. Any type of sexual abuse or just a teacher treating you like crap in school. Bullies, food issues… absolutely anything that can cause your brain to go back to a time when you could not handle yourself as well (which is usually from childhood). Any of these things can lead to triggers, just like the I had one today.

So in light of that I sat. and allowed myself to feel the emotions and then I started writing this blog post, my blog has always helped me. Writing has always been a tool that I used and will continue to use. I feel like for some reason if I write it down and I’m eloquent about it it won’t aggravate as many people as when I just pop off, and throw my rigorous honesty at people, in order to hurt them.

Today, I’m taking the time to do different things, I even used to ignore my blog because I didn’t want to get down to the nitty-gritty of what was bothering me. Most the times when that happens it’s because I’m genuinely fearful of some type of change or some form of uncomfortability that I am looking for solace from, I find it here, I found that in sharing my pain, it is lessened.

See now I feel better and I’m able to continue my day, I didn’t even take that long to write this blog post. Now I’m going to be able to see things for what they are and not for what my crazy traumatized brain makes them out to be. Today I make the choice to control my mind and not let it control me.

That’s all I have right now I’m going to try to eat something, which I’ve never been good at following through with.

Until next time

♥️

Wonder Sampson