TRAUMATIZED

I am not entirely sure when I realized my trauma first. It was not until I was older, past 20, before that had no clue what trauma wa, besides a bad car accident. Today, trauma is something that I am unbelievably versed in the ever so elusive noun that can represent so much for all of us. In most recent times the trauma I am experiencing is not only my trauma, but the trauma of people extremely close to me. My paternal grandmother, the matriarch of our fam, has been diagnssed with stage 4 lung cancer. Unbenonced to me this was not the death sentence I had imagined. It has not spread , and treatment is available. We are staying positive and taking it one day at a time.

At first, I was crushed by the idea of the most amazing woman that I have ever known, the woman I strive to be like most in my life, possibly suffering in any way. It brought me back to my own trauma, and then I realized just how triggered I was by the smallest things, such as the hospital visits, the change in sleep schedule, and the anticipatory grief that occurs when one is waiting to "find out" what is going on. Processing can be heartbreaking. It is dark and deep work, not for the faint of heart. This is where I come to tell the part of the story where I come to realize, "Oh, Windy, you are not terminally unique in your suffering." Others are suffering too. They are my family.

Then I noticed my attitude problem with people around me lately. In almost every exchange with my father, we rubbed each other the wrong way, for sure. I wanted him to understand the impermanence of life, and he wants to process without a process. This confused me and made it hard for me to get over the problem. The problem I soon came to understand was myself. I had an issue with the diagnosis, the plan, and that any of this had happened. So, therefore, I, the know-all being that I am, thought it best to teach the others around me what they need to do. Check. Check. Earth to Windy, that is not possible. If someone does not want to do something, they will not. It does not matter what is at task. No matter who tells them how to do it or how important it is, things will not change if the willingness is not there in the first place.

I started to read, everything about the dynamics of trauma. I came across a few food things but the best was the two I cite at the end of this article. One is a book by LORIHASKELL,E D D ,C.PSYCH.

It’s title is Women, Abuse, and TraumaTherapy.

It is shown in studies that women and men suffer different types of trauma at different times in their lives, which contributes to the disparity. Women experience more interpersonal and high-impact trauma, such as sexual assault, at a younger age. Sexual assault has a high risk for PTSD. Early life trauma has a greater impact, especially when it involves multiple traumatic events. Traumatic stress affects different areas of the brain of boys and girls at different ages and can interfere with neurobiological development and personality. Chronic fear can lead to repeated activation of the stress response system, altering the regulation of glucocorticoids such as cortisol. Women are twice as likely to develop PTSD after experiencing trauma compared to men. Thanks to this new knowledge, I have a better outlook. No excuses, just an opportunity for explanation.

So , then I take a deep breath. I step back into that corner of my mind, the dark sparkly place I go to that is protected. It is a place I recommend everyone build within them or find inside. It is a comfortable place that allows my heart to swell and me to be vulnerable with myself. Vulnerability is the one thing I have to embrace evermore than the patience I have for others. I have to be that goof to myself. I go back to Season 2, episode 2 of Outer Eye. JVN tells Mama Tammy that she is a mirror and needs to treat herself as well as she treats others.

According to the Pew Research Center, 93% of parents want to be seen as great parents, and 68% are considered overprotective. Codependency is bred early in life, as these stats prove. How are we to learn to take care of ourselves if our parents don't mess up sometimes? I watched my pops go through it. I was blown away by his unawareness and inability to process sadness. I immediately judged, like a jerk, and expected things I had no business expecting. Once again, in my adult life, I am faced with trauma, and I am unable to be a comfort and allow my loved ones to deal with things in their own way. I am grateful that I was able to open my eyes and hold onto my values. I was able to listen to my intuition, use the tools of meditation, prayer, and communication. I spoke to my therapist, came up with a great plan, set some realistic expectations, and began anew. I have been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel moving forward. I am nowhere near the end yet, and this will probably not be the last tunnel I go down. However, today I have a bright outlook on my trauma. At the beginning of last week, I read a quote from Christine Cane, "Sometimes when you think you are in a dark place, you think you have been buried, but you've actually been planted." If I have been planted, I had better do all I can do to grow into something with the harvest.

I continue to work daily with meditation and many other therapies. One therapy that I believe in and reminded is Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy used to treat responses to traumatic experiences. It treats anxiety, guilt, depression, panic, sleep disturbance and flashbacks. EMDR is a technique that can be used within a therapeutic approach to treat trauma. EMDR is based on the assumption that people who experience trauma store memories without adequately processing them. It stimulates the brain's natural information processing mechanisms, allowing the traumatic information to be processed normally and become integrated. Traumatic memories are believed to be stored in the right hemisphere of the brain and cannot be processed by left hemisphere processes, which help to create meaning and organize memories. Side-to-side stimulation through eye movements is used to unlock memories by allowing the processing of information between the right and left hemispheres of the brain. This process is similar to what happens during dreaming and REM sleep.

I am also a requested yoga teacher. I use therapy for the body to get out of my head and away from my subconscious. Like I said before, my trauma liked to keep me in the dark. I have to work hard to find the light in this at times, however, I am continuously listening to new podcasts, researching and learning, and using the knowledge I gain to not only help myself but also help the ones I love.

A few other things I will touch on: none of this would have been possible if I had not been willing to do the work. I would never suggest anybody attempt to jump into psychoanalysis, EMDR, or meditative therapies without the guidance of professionals and specialists. Energy healers, meditation teachers, crystal workers, and others who study the Healing Sciences know what they're doing. It's better to consult with them rather than jump into these things alone. I would also recommend being patient with yourself. It takes a lot of time and understanding to uncover things that are buried extremely deep. My therapist once told me that some things are not meant to be remembered. Even in some of the hardest sessions I've had, I still don't remember all of my trauma, and quite frankly, I'm okay with that.

I hope this message helps someone. When I learned this information, it helped me.

Note: EMDR can only be done by a properly trained clinician and is used as part.

Love you for reading.

Wonder

Sources:

https://www.apa.org/topics/women-girls/women-trauma

https://www.camh.ca/-/media/files/guides-and-publications/women-and-abuse-en.pdf