Post -Trauma Stress
- Wonder
- Jun 27, 2023
- 5 min read
If it's post, what's it still doing here?
I have started the post over like three fucking times. I am bothered . I am once again being affected by my PTSD. I wake up every day on edge, does anyone else out there? Does anyone feel like the shit that has happed in life, the horrible , awful traumatizing things are just going to keep happening? …and what if they do? That would mean that the feelings will all be the same, the thoughts will be even more intrusive and will I end up in the same ridiculous cycle that lands me in a state of morbid thought, unexpected doubt and intense emotion. These factors then contribute to my physical state.
When all I want, is to “JUST BE HAPPY.”
I had been in conversations with my ex about our divorce recently. I have attempted to make this the easiest and most comfortable experience I could for the both of us, and in these conversations I have noticed just how much I didn’t matter to them, at all. I thought things would be different as friends maybe, there aI go again, sitting unrealistic expectations for someone I have no business having, no business at all. Then my mind begins the storyline with my past, and I think as if I had control in the situation. Thoughts like, “ I could have done this” or the fateful,
“I will NEVER do that again.”
I cry into my hands, and pull myself together, I begin to realize that I am OK, because I want HAPPINESS.
How does one cultivate happiness in a moment of such strife, and its not even suffering that is deserved nor appropriate for the situation. It is all derived from PAST experience, which is now taking up time in my present existence. It can be debilitating at times. I have been in such deep though before that I missed a green light at a traffic stop, only to have some asshole then laying on there horn to wake me out of my thoughts. Then I think, they are not an asshole, I am. I was the absent person in my car ,nowhere near my car.
I miss things, events and love and moments I will never get back.
I get angry and consumed with what happened in the past, sometimes so often in a day, I miss the whole day. I will find myself lying in bed, winding sown at night and will not even remember my day. Or at least most of it. I am not losing time per say, I jay get so dammed involved in my previous tragedy that I live there in moments. I want it to STOP.
My life has become less stressful since the separation from my ex. I no longer have to live with a narcissist, that is unaware of themself, I no longer am managed by another persons feelings and expectations, and I am not responsible for the happiness someone cannot give themselves. I am however starting from the bottom, again. Yet the bottom this time was not like the well I fell in years ago. It is different, I can see the light , I don’t know if the light is far away close but its visible. In the past I had no way of knowing that a light was even there, or existed. I just thought that for some reason that I did not deserve happiness.
Maybe it is because of the first narcissist, in my life, my biological mother. I was perfect, but never quite perfect enough. I craved so much acceptance as a child that I would just get it anywhere. Any way I could. When I didn’t, it was like hell froze over and I was left icy in my longness. Yearning for the comfort from the one person a child craves it from, and only given glimpses, and that was when it was obliged. Even when I had drama, trauma or problems I learned to thrive in them, I learned to adapt. As a child, I don’t think I should have had to adapt. I think, maybe I shouldn’t have never had to think about either of my parents, wanting or loving me. Even with the consistency of my father, and my other family embers, I was still broken by her lack of presence. It is supposed to be one of the most damaging types of trauma as a child. I can attest to that and I believe it helped to shape me into the person who was so traumatized.
According to an article on PsychCentral,
Here are 19 emotional difficulties commonly experienced by adult children of abandoning/emotionally unavailable parents:
Abusive relationship
Anxiety Disorders or symptoms
Attachment Disorders
Borderline Personality Disorder
Care-taking and Codependency
Chaotic Lifestyle
Clingy/needy behavior
Compulsive behaviors may develop
Depression
Desperate relationships/relationships that happen too fast
Disturbances of mood, cannot self-regulate and experiences emotions in extreme
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
Lack of confidence, self-esteem issue
May be poor at self-soothing
People-pleasing behaviors to detriment of self.
Poor coping strategies
Promiscuity
Relationship problems
Trust issues
Long list, I know. However, it made me really sit and check myself. Taking the time to research what my issues are is a huge part of dealing with them. I’ve had to really sit back and think what I want my future to look like and why I allow my past to affect my happiness. It takes a long time to learn to cope with this type of stress. I’ve been doing it my whole life, however, there is a lot of help out there. I have come to understand that I am the catalyst to my recovery, not anyone or anything else. I have to be ready to make the changes, and if I’m not, I have to be willing to ask for the help to make the changes. All I had to do today was take the time to write, get it off my chest and develop a plan.
Here are the steps and things I attempt when in crisis.
I Ask for and I accept help.
Get as much information as I can about the issue. Information makes me feel more confident.
Face each problem as it arises.
Talk about it…. Releasing grief and anger with others and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.
I always try to use Yoga, exercise, walking the dog, or some type of physical movement to get me out of my head.
Find a creative outlet. Singing, drawing, writing, dancing, photography, etc. can be amazing stress killers.
Be willing to fuck up. This is how wet learn.
Let it the hel go.
It’s in the past, it belongs there, it cannot hurt you if you don’t let it.
Then I take some time to process. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn how to do I used to hide in drugs, sex, shopping among many other things. I just needed something to fill the void instead of actually feeling my feelings. I’m getting used to it now.
Today I am riding, I did some yoga earlier, and I’m going to fulfill my responsibilities to my ex, even though I want to be hateful, spiteful, and teach them a lesson. I’m not gonna do that, purely for the fact that it would just cause more drama and probably trigger my PTSD.
We wouldn’t want that would we?
As always, I love you for reading
Be well
Wonder
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