New Moon, New goals

There is nothing like reaching a goal, achieving something worthy of recognition. Since our last new moon I have come to understand more about myself, it’s because of my determination and perseverance test I am able to continue on this journey of acquiring knowledge that feeds my soul. I find myself using my time more efficiently, moving slower with purpose.

In times when I question the decisions I make, I am now able to be aware than ever before in my life. The new moon is one of starting something new, when you begin, or commit to something it’s important that you do it at the right time.

Have you ever looked at your clock on Friday afternoon, starung at you is 4:30. With every ounce of wit, and cunning together you strive to get out of the office before 5 o’clock. Knowing if you get out, just at the right time, there is not a line in the parking garage, the traffic has not acted up yet l, and the stop lights have yet to relaxed to evening timers. This is a perfect example of when it is a good time to do something. The Virgo new moon has made me feel Brand New, as if I found myself, within myself.

About 11 years ago I lived in Indianapolis, and I worked for a family as their nanny and housekeeper. I remember thinking that I would never have that “kind of life”, being a housewife and mother just wasn’t what I was planning to do, like it was a punishment of sorts, or something to be embarrassed about. I would go to get groceries, prepare dinner, make sure the kids got home from school OK, all within a timely manner. We did homework, and more than once I had to be the disciplinarian, it was not always easy but the love and respect of the family and children made it all worthwhile. There were many times when I remember thinking how lucky the family was to have each other, this was long before I came out of the closet. I wasn’t even sure if I was the type of person that could ever be in a committed relationship, probably because I was still dating men at the time. This was before gay marriage was legal, and was also before I was comfortable with my real self, I Ask people to call me by my middle name for goodness sake, I have no idea how much I disliked myself. I was envious, of the love and loyalty that this family had for one another. Never did I think that it v would prepare me for my life today.

Years went by and I moved back to Kentucky, I fell into old habits and scenes. I enjoyed same places I did before I had moved, hung out with the same groups of friends and didn’t really change much of anything. I had left the city originally to change my life , when in fact all I did was run away, what a childish thing to do. The same issues I had before I left, we’re sitting right here as soon as I got back.

Fast forward five or six years, once again I’m set in my ways of working 60 or 70 hours a week burning the wick at both ends, and causing myself as much pain as possible in order to not have to feel anything else. A person can seriously drive them self into a downward spiral if they try hard enough, I know, I did it. I believed everything I told Everyone around me. I was convinced that if I worked hard enough, and made enough money that I would be happy and whole. This was just a slice of delirium I like to snack on occasionally, it’s like I would sit and think of these audacious, fantastical, scenarios, and then act them out. The keyword being “Act.”

Things never got so real until my recent years. In a whirlwind, more like a hurricane, I have been drowned, broken, dried out, and put back together. I’ve become so much stronger than I was once before, I live much simpler With so much less chaos, drama and stress. When I nannied and was a housekeeper, I fell in love with the children I worked with, they were all extremely kind and well behaved. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they had their ups and downs. They were children, but aside from the ridiculousness that childhood brings it was like being surrounded by cloud of happiness anytime I was around them, almost always made me smile. I never thought that the things I learned from this family would cater to my life. Never did I think that I would be married, and have a child. There’s a lot to be said about being a parent and a partner.

The new moon has brought me to this point, I am exactly what I thought I was never going to end up being. I am a mother, and I swear that nothing scares me anymore.The scariest thing that could happen to me , is something happening to my child.

I’m also a wife, housewife to be exact. I pride myself on how well I fold my laundry, how clean the dishes may be at any given moment. I take pride in the fact that I get up in the morning and I’m able to have the patience to get a 12-year-old child ready for school, and the acceptance of knowledge in a brain that is nowhere near developed. On a regular basis I think I’ve lost my mind, I think I need to be medicated, and then realize how lucky I am to be a part of a life, a life that is mine.

I never wanted to be a mother, because I wasn’t close to my mother. I never wanted to screw up my kid, or not give them what they needed in order to succeed. Failing isn’t something I’ve ever been good at and I sure wasn’t going to fail and cause someone else to do the same because they followed in my footsteps so willingly. Today the new moon, the super new moon illuminates me without any light. I am the strongest I’ve ever been, and I have awakened to the fact that we learn the lessons in life, that at one point, will be usable, valid, and pertinent.

I went to the bookstore today and bought books to homeschool. The world is in a chaotic state, and I’m not depending on the world to educate. I can’t believe I think like this now... If you would’ve asked me when I was 25 what I would be doing when I was 39, I would’ve laughed at you if you would’ve told me I would be here now writing a blog, sharing experiences and talking to like-minded individuals. Allowing the freedom to think we don’t know everything, and that the universe has ideas for us that we are unaware of, and that is a blessing. It’s Thursday night, football is on, and I have a New York Times to read. I used to need so many things, now I’m just happy with the simple things like water, air, and love. Life is what we make it, my goal was to make my life mine and no one else’s. I continue to put effort toward achieving that every day, and with that comes happiness. May I leave you with a quote that I read this morning, so perfect, it fits this evening like a glove.Be Well♥️Wonder

We often feel miserable and our world seems upside-down because we believe that external things will work out exactly as we plan and expect them to.

~ Lama Zopa Rinpoche

uuju