Life lessons

The new Drake album just came out, I don’t know much about him, he is lucky to have an uncle that wrote for Al Green, and I love his music. His abrasive rapping style paired with softer accents, delivering complex lyricism will probably always be my favorite kind of rap. He is truly talented, attractive and has the work ethic that has obviously helped pave the way to great things. I am in the flow right now, I share is luck, and work ethic... Minus the cash flow. Ha. I am on the road to recovery today, the past few years I have rediscovered exactly who in the fuck I am, and today is a blinding reminder. Walking around on a cloud of ego for years can alter your perspective a great deal. I had some amazing and horrible experiences, They shaped me and I do not forget that, yet it is quite a bit different when I close my eyes now, it’s not as dark. I am not lost as long or as fast, to succumb to the sadness, and the sadness is not such a reprieve. Learning the things it takes to be real will change the way you do EVERYTHING! You know shit is real, when you are who you think you are.... I learned that I definitely need to spend more time with myself. I learned I still have an addiction that haunts me, while sleeping or awake. Love, the real kind , is what I’m talking about kids. It’s so twisted, to know that when you fall in love, you are signing the papers to the biggest heartbreak of your life. Time and time again, you think we would all get smarter. Unfortunately I am not smart enough... whether it’s divorce, death, infidelity or dishonesty it equals heartbreak. I look at my grandmother, 80..divorced, owner of a beautiful house that her children helped to build. She bleeds strength. It pours out of her, I can only imagine what it would be like, to have seen the things that she has experienced in the process of her becoming. In comparison I am as soft as Stay-puff marshmallow. I pull it together so well. I am on the path to the depth of strength that my grandmother owns. With every story I tell, I can only hope to relate in a way that may make you... the reader not feel so alone. My writing is not for everyone. I am characteristically direct, brash, and dry. Which will sometimes sting, but if you cannot handle real feelings, then don’t read me anymore. I do this more to keep all my memories in an organized fashion. Being manic has it’s disadvantages. My memory will only continue to get worse as I age. Today I am sitting in heartbreak, for so may reasons. I feel like such a failure, I would love to know I’m not, but the mind plays tricks on you when you hurt. So I am reassuring myself that this is all because of the way the stars align, and that if things are meant to be, they will happen. That doesn’t stop the nightmares, the physical sickness, the mind-bending migraines. I control my emotions with meditation, and mindful thought. I roll in the deep far too often though. I can see myself drowning, and unable to pull myself out of the water, I sink, as the water surrounds me I feel safer than I ever have been. I close my eyes and feel the water slip on to my skin like a silky, velvety blanket. My dreams take me so far away from my present tense. Maybe it’s from my accident, the trauma made me able to separate a little easier. Like a protective bubble that allows me to stay as deep as I want, if I stay this deep I am impossible to find. No one ever swims in the dark, deep waters of my mind. It separates me. Keeps me segregated from the love that I am so scared of, that I could not bear to lose again. I am turning over a new leaf. I am sharing these thoughts so I will be held responsible. Things will always be ok. even in death, it all comes together. The simplest things make us our definitive selves. Now under this sky In this moment Is the time to define.