Let Go, My Love: Cause every lil’ thing’s gonna be all right

When I think of letting go, my mind immediately goes to a picturesque scene. Me standing on the end of the world, waving goodbye to my mother on a boat crossing a vast ocean. I don’t really know if that’s ever happened in my life, but that’s what I picture when I think of the term “let-go”. I think that that stems from always wanting her to want to be with me, always wanting someone to validate my existence. Which when I think about it now is terribly unfair to my father, for that’s all he ever did,  validate my existence. I don’t know if I will ever be able to let go of everything. I think that when you’re close enough, or connected to someone or some thing strongly,  let go may never be a term that enters the circumference of the relationship.

However, I have recently come to a conclusion in my life. I have to let go, and if I don’t it may just kill me. Maybe even harm someone further. Someone I never intended to hurt in the first place. But hey, you know what they say. “Hurt people, hurt people.”  I did not know how much pain had taken over. Like a waterfall, so beautiful, yet so dangerous and destructive. Pain snuck in, unbeknownst to me. I was only witness to a fresh start with hopes and dreams a plenty. Oblivious to the cold hard truth at the bottom where the sharp rocks laid.  I had such high expectations, for a lovely, perfect new existence. What’s even more enchanting, I was to spend it with someone so special to me.  Someone who could see me, unlike c anyone had before, the real me. Now I see hope those high expectations, and grandiose hopes could intimidate anyone.

For many reasons, I kept myself from the truth. At a very young age I yearned for a sense of acceptance,  and to be embraced by a love,  like no other. Early  in my life, be it  adolescence and my high school years. I happened into what I thought were seemingly perfect partnerships. Usually it began warm and cozy. Spending time lusting over the idea of someone. Only to have my ideals crushed by the staunch reality that people just weren’t like the Disney characters in the  movies I had seen as a child. There was a song that came out,  when I was in high school. I was in love with Paula Cole, who sang “ Where have all the Cowboys gone?” Still today I find myself asking that question. Except for me it’s not necessarily Cowboys but cowgirls. The classic well rounded human. With morals and values that include compassion, kindness and respect. Those paired with honesty, hard-work and perseverance. I did my best to find it everywhere, and in  everything.  I would create a little synopsis, in my mind. Dreaming of when I would find my person, my Sleeping Beauty, Snow White or Cinderella.

I have always been a giving person.  One thing my mother told me is that there are givers in this life and takers. She would always say to me, “ Windy, you were born with a heart of gold. You’re a giver not a taker sweetie.” I always took that as a compliment, I wanted her acceptance and love so much, and unfortunately to my dismay my mother did everything she could do, and yet my expectations were still too high for her. I remember always worrying about how the way I was would affect the people around me. If I bothered them, got on their nerves or even “what if they never love me?” That phrase would plague my mind more often than it should as a teenager. I didn’t know that then, being caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, hormones and irrational fear. I just knew that I wanted to be loved. Is that too much to ask?

I didn’t even realize that I was picking up “projects” along the way. Person bye person,  I found things to help with or assist in finishing. In high school I had a boyfriend that got extremely ill, he was always tired never wanted to hang out. In order to convince myself that it was not me that was the problem, because I can exhaust anybody, I went to the furthest lengths to look up every single symptom. I spent hours of my own time researching different ailments, along with different treatments. Until one day I found something and suggested an answer to the problem. It even kind-of worked, and he got better and was grateful.  I look back on it now and think to myself,  “why was I not studying for my exams?” I know why, because I wanted someone to love me and never stop, and never leave me again. The pattern went on into my college years. Before I even came out of the closet, I would slip between  relationships very easily and then when they went south I went north.

Needing someone close to me, telling me how great I was, is  probably my first real addiction. I can close my eyes and feel the feeling, like a warm, soft blanket being wrapped around my shoulders. Soothing my body, heart abs c mind.  Hearing the words “I need you”, seems to make everything else disappear, much like substance in my later years.  Only because when I was needed, there was nothing else that crossed my mind but helping the person in need. This caused a bit of static in my life. As I got older I continued to choose relationships, be it with friends or lovers, where I was always attempting to be the answer to the problem. I knew that I could make  anyone happy, if I tried hard enough. Where there’s a will there’s a way, right? There were many times when I was able to manipulate situations to my advantage, even at the cost of someone else, usually someone that actually gave a damn about me. I  trucked many of my close friends, only for the temporary fixes in my codependent brain. If people had it together, then how can I possibly be of service to them, how could I bring anything to the table. Now I see, I was only hiding from my own malaise. What was my worth? I’ll tell you right now that in those years I had no clue at all. I look back today and think what in the hell was I doing? How did I allow myself to get so caught up in things I had no control over at all. I only thought I had control because to me love looks like control. Love looks like me fixing everything for someone so they don’t have to suffer at all. Love looks like me holding my breath for someone, or even giving all that I have and getting nothing in return.

Limiting beliefs are probably one of my biggest downfalls. That and the fact that I get in the way of myself. I put others before me,  and have since my childhood. I learned early on that if you put other people first,  they will think that you’re giving and kind,  then you can catch them in a web of dependency and contentment. I had no idea how long I had been doing this, until recently. Only now do I see just how damaging a codependent lifestyle can be. Just like that waterfall I spoke of earlier,  that is so beautiful. When  one first looks in on a co-dependent relationship, it looks kind and selfless. In reality it is everything but love. Please,  don’t get me wrong,  I’m not knocking people who take care of each other, I think that is a very honorable and wonderful place to be in a relationship. However there’s a very fine line between taking care of someone and depending on taking care of someone, or meeting that power.

Today, I stand up on a foundation of hard work and interpersonal struggle. After spending a large amount of time looking into myself I have realized how damaging I am to others, without even seeing it. No one knows the danger of a codependent person, especially if they’ve never experienced it before. Knowing now what I didn’t know before, I move through my days with intention and clear motive. I ask myself why I do things for others, and I also for the first time in my life and putting myself in the front seat. I’m no longer telling myself to go to the back of the bus, and wait till the others get off. Only when I actually took the time to look into a mirror and do the real work did I realize how selfish it is to love someone to death. Yet, I have been doing it my whole life. Loving people to their demise, breaking hearts without even knowing I was capable of it. Always falling back on the excuse “I did everything I could do to help them.” When I should’ve been helping myself the whole damn time.

Allowing my selfish, prideful and egotistical mannerisms to fall by the wayside has helped me to develop a true sense of self. I never even knew who I was until I was 39 years old. I have a mind that is valid and thinks valid thoughts. Today,  I validate those thoughts by acknowledging them the same way I validate my emotions. I trust my intuition to make decisions that I’m confident in, without others telling me it’s OK. I have never felt once in my life that I could be alone, until I was alone in a relationship. I don’t advise to ever hold onto something that is slowly killing your spirit. Today,  I talk about letting go, because it’s a big step in anyone’s life. It doesn’t matter what you are attempting to let go of, however if something is holding you back, or making you feel that you are not good enough, I suggest taking the time to look in the mirror. Take time to love yourself, know yourself and be true to yourself. Express how you feel, learn that people love each other on purpose and we only have so much time, so why selfishly waste it. Do yourself a favor today, do something nice for yourself today,  and quit worrying about what everybody else thinks, says or does. Surrender to the fact that letting go may be the most liberating thing you could ever do for your life. Slowly allow the universe to work its magic through you, for you. Then letting-go may not seem as dark, for there is light c at the end of the tunnel… and you are worth the walk. So keep on trudging.