Just a kiwi in a chocolate covered cherry world

It felt good to sleep in today. I went to bed entirely too late last night, I could obviously not give a damn. Or I would have been asleep sooner. It’s amazing how we can tell ourselves what we want to get accomplished and still not be committed enough to do those tasks.

I watched a movie last night called “Beautiful Boy” . It’s an Amazon Prime movie, it was released in a few selected theaters across the USA. Plot is as follows:

Teenager Nicolas Sheff seems to have it all with a perfect life. When his addiction to meth threatens to ruin him, his father does whatever he can to save his son and family. It was a fabulous movie, the acting was amazing as well. I myself have been in recovery for 14 years, so it was easy as hell for me to relate to the characters in the story. It made me think. About what you say...about what I am doing differently now in comparison to before, and how much I have grown to get to this point. The point where I am now fighting a new addiction, because I CHOSE to do so. Very similar to the choice I made to get help. It is the same, but feels so very different.

This morning was the first morning since I stopped eating sugar that I woke up feeling “good”. I was not anxious or full of dread. I was clearer in my mind. I was able to identify with my emotions, wrangling the innermost thoughts In my head. Able to look into the working fluff of my brain and say to myself “self... you ARE going to be ok” and I believed it in the most fufilling way. I felt like because I was off work that I was on vacation, renewed.

I’m not sure if it is because I am at the 6 day hump of breaking the addiction cycle, or that it was just so beautiful that it seemed like the beach should be 5 minutes away. In either case it was stellar, and I accomplished quite a bit for a lazy Sunday.

I was even conscious enough to catch a refuge recovery meeting, which is a Buddhist approach. I love these meetings, I feel like I learned a little more about myself tonight. I even spoke, which allowed me to feel my vunerability, sit with it, and use it to my advantage. The inventory process is increasing important in my life.

We begin by taking a veritable and intense look at all of the suffering we have caused and allowed to affect us in our addiction and associated behaviors. The best way to start is to pick up a pen and start writing. I came to the conclusion after meditation that I am capable of ANYTHING I put my mind to, and that we have this one chance ,and one life to change anything we want, you just have to do it. You have to show up for yourself and others equally.

I had a good cup of coffee and, a good dinner and decided that I needed to get home get some good sleep again tonight. I ate kiwi for dessert, which was sweet, tart and absolutely delicious, and not as bad for me as chocolate covered cherries.

Kinda like people that comparison is, here I am singled out in my own soft little cover, sweet and tart, different, healthy and green. Then you have the rest of the world, perfectly good by itself like a cherry.. but embraced by the fake sweetness of sugar, and the comfortable presence of chocolate. It’s like the cherry wasn’t good enough by itself. It’s like the cherry needed to get all dressed up in lingere when it was just fine naked.

Let‘s see where the rest of the month takes us.

Until tomorrow.

Be Well♥️

Wonder