Heart of Gold

Here we are friends, my fellow humans. The first Friday off my favorite month, October. I felt a talk about a complete 180 was pretty appropriate.

It ’s kind of like I’ve come full circle. Sitting in my car in the rain, listening to Neil Diamond, headed to my first day at a job, I couldn’t have written better for myself. Knowing, that just a few short years ago I was not even close to this clarity. What kind of clarity is that you say? Only that I may have found my place in the universe?

I heard a friend of mine once say that they see their life to be like a pendulum, except instead of it swaying back-and-forth really far, it stays really balanced and barely moves. My Pendulum was swinging so far back-and-forth a few short years ago, I couldn’t keep track of it, slicing and dicing everything that was near and dear to me. These violent tragedies were all dictated by my own choices, may I remind you, however today I see things in a completely different light.

I’m no longer afraid of country music. As a girl who was raised in Colorado and Midwest, including Kentucky and Indiana, I used to hate that my family liked country music. I wanted to be the girl from the big city, I never wanted to seem as if I was stupid or small. Society taught me that to be simple and country was small and ignorant . I was almost transfixed on the fact that my last name was Wonder. The conversation in my mind went,

“I have a fabulous last name, so I must be destined for stardom or something. “

“You are the exception”

“You Rule breaker, you”… “ and away they went ,

“you will get everything.” It only got worse the further into my adolescence.

I grew up watching the same shows and cartoons as you, in the 80s and 90s. Eating the same crappy TV dinners and oatmeal cream pies. However Donna, my mother, split out early for another family.My father, grandmother, aunt, and uncle raised me… it takes a village they say. I don’t know about that, I do know that I owe a enormous debt of gratitude to those four: The dynamics of the “family unit” was unbeknownst to me, was not normal. At least normal to society, and it’s fences. From the earliest time I can remember Donna was always leaving and going. It became the standard I made myself . She was “big time” I was just not good enough for her. I learned to accept it for what it was, absolutely nothing. A place holder that my father almost forced me to see. Unless I was manipulating them against one another, of which I learned to do early, again another gem from the woman who was so bothered when she birthed me. I have a handful of those, some good most bad habits I have learned to use in positive ways. Most.

But like I said he we are talking about full circle, on the equinox. How fitting, too be right sized by the universe, along with a course of Action. That’s the big part, the follow through. I think follow through is one of the reasons I garnered the career path I spoke of earlier. A dream job, a lifelong dream to work in healing and recovery. Alongside people that think alike. Integrity goes a long way baby. I called my father when I arrived at my office after dropping off my 13 year old daughter at school. I said “Thank you”… he replied,

“What for ?” … almost confused. I said, “For always talking me to school. I never had to ride the bus.”

“The trek must have been maddening… going all one eat and then the other.”

He softly replied,

“No thanks are needed. It was a different time then Wind. Now you cannot leave your children at the bus too.” Referring to the shooting that happened this week in Louisville. One child lost their life, and two others harmed.

I sat there for a second, maybe three,

“You,ok?” He asked.

“Yes poppa.”

Completely overcome with gratitude I found a humility I don’t think I have ever felt before. It was like a wave of golden goodness washed over my life and began to take my despair and sadness along with the tides. We have an unspoken understanding, my father and I. I owe it to his moral compass early on, it surely guided me to make better choices than I would have, without his advice. He taught me something about awareness. It’s hard to decipher all the lessons from one another. I remember learning about forgiveness, in times of hatred and bleak futures my father went against all odds and raised me. In a time when most men did not. In a generation of divorce and general relationship malaise. Trust me, I was more than a handful. However, today I can say that my father is truly my best friend. Barely 22 years apart, we grew up together. In an ever changing world. The change I alone have seen in the 39 years I’ve been alive, it sometimes gives me a migraine or nightmares. To imagine that he lived through Martin Luther King Jr. , Man on the moon, Vietnam, Reagan, and then on to after I was born. I really am amazed by his perseverance, strength, and overall attitude about life. I only hope I get to build this type of relationship with my kiddo one day.

I tell her all the time “I’m not here to be your best friend!” Following with m, “Maybe when your 40. “ Then I giggle the same way my father did when we bickered about grades, The car, or the people I dated. He always, one hundred percent, had my best interest at heart. Along with the step children and grandchildren he has helped raise.

I am humble.

Today, I see my worth without others making me aware. Today, I am my fathers daughter once again, yet I am not careless with my ego and pride. I am able to admit my faults, I see that bright light in even the darkest of people, places, or things. I am willing to meet others where they are, then meet the universe where it needs me… no longer just “ Where I want to be”. I have come to appreciate patience and the mindset of being here now.

All of these gifts I gained in recovery from my TRAUMA. Now that I am Facing Everything And Rising (FEAR) … I am facing things that weighed me down. Mind, Body, and Spirit. I was unable to cope with the poison of my TRAUMA. With the knowledge and wisdom I have gained from my father and through constant work and change… I have come Full Circle.

**Full Circle: phr. **

through a series of developments that lead back to the original source, position, or situation or to a complete reversal of the original position

I ran like hell. To get away from who I was, I lived in fear and oblivion. I acted rather than was, as in to be, from a very young age. My father was the one who made me more aware. I was able to see through his hard exterior to test heat of gold. I never lost sight of that. Which is why I see myself coming back to the beginning. My Roots. I still call my father for advice, and he usually gives the best. He told me once, on one of the most terrifying days of my life. I can hear his voice in my head… TODAY more than ever.

“Hey, You are my daughter. You are going to be fine. “

I didn’t know why I believed him that day, however he was not wrong. Rarely is he ever. It makes me feel like a kid again. Believing in someone or something so much it changes you at your core. Which in turn allows for the magic of belief and hard work to prevail. I give credit to the universe for allowing me to see the truth after all these years, just like in the “Wizard of Oz” … home is inside of me, not outside. Happiness is passed on not made from scratch. The energy of love and happiness is just like venturing else, it can’t be created nor destroyed.

See you here same time, same first Friday.. till next month.

♥️ wonder