e-OM-ma: Other Mother

I know, I know it's late. This blog should have posted this morning at 9:00 am. Yet it did not. I am doing work to make sure that I follow through even when life docent prevail for me, at least the way I want it to happen. So be it, it is late, however it is still Monday. This Monday was a pretty important one. Today. It is my daughter’s fourteenth birthday. Fourteen, and I am fucking terrified. Just being honest, the world is a completely different place than who my wife an I were children. Hell it was different when I was in college. Today ALL of our children are having to learn to adapt to the crisis that society has fed into for the longest time.

Today instead of going out and getting in trouble, they can just stay in.. it is mind blowing what these young people, yes the ones that will be taking care of us, are doing with free time. In the years before I was blessed with my baby girl, I was bilious to what was actually going on. I mean the majority of my friends either have children or have gained them via marriage, relationship or merely by accident. I remember the day my best friend Tiffany found out that she was pregnant with my god son KC Austin, love you baby, he was the first child that stole my heart. He still does, the perfect mix of two of my closest friends. Such an amazing couple, till it was not.

Which brings me to my Shai-Eomma Monday Post. I feel like it is pertinent that I talk about this because BEING A MOTHER HAS CHANGED MY LIFE. It is NOT for everybody. I know this from personal experience, I wish I could say that I was close to my mother, and that she was the reason I know how to do this the way I do, but that would e a lie. If you know me , and I think you at least want to know me…since you are reading this. I am not a liar ANYMORE. I will add that being a real parent, not just blood, made me loathe dishonesty and believing in love so much more. Never before have I ever loved something and put so much work in having absolutely no idea what the hell the outcome would be. Nor have I ever been so electrically charged and scared to death at the dame time.

In recovery you learn that you must do things different. Being a mother is the most different I have ever been. I owe it to the tribe of women that are close to me that have taught me everything I know about being a REAL MOM. I don’t think I have the time to waste. Everyday it is a new thing that distracts my daughter from wanting to be herself. Be it her own feelings as a teenager going up today, or the countless outlets to keep her from learning what it is to be mindful. This is what I believe is the greatest fail of our society, economy, government or whatever you want to Blane it on.We are cut off. Cut off from reality, each other, connection, honesty not to mention transparency. The flip on that switch is that we hide behind what IS SUPPOSED TO BE EXACTLY THOSE QUALITIES. Sure there are may of us like myself the just want to be real, help others, go filterless and stop hiding, however it took me 18 years in recovery rooms and treatments to get to the mindset I have today.

My wife took off work today to surprise our girl. Work is usually 2-10pm on Mondays. It is always a heartbreaker to have to work on a birthday, so she took off. Showed up with bundt cake, balloons, and herself. You would have thought Hayden won a million dollars when she realized she was going to eat dinner with both of us tonight. t was a normal dinner, Mexican, with laughter, love and smiles. Then we just spent time hanging out till our movie was supposed to start, then a hitch. We went to the wrong theatre. What a bummer right, yes it was, n then as if by magic, yes I said it, the movie was showing in 30min 15min away, we made it. The movie “The Wolf and the Lion.” Was wholesome, heartwarming while plying at those sympathy strings effortlessly. DiSCLAiMER: WE all cried. It is based on a true story an I recommend it to anyone who loves, has, cares for or just respects animals.

Upon arriving at home my newly fourteen year old teenage daughter told her mothers thank you u more than five times for “the best day ever” and was “more excited about this movie than anything else she could think of”.

I do not know if I am a great mom, yet when I hear words dripping with kindness like these I melt. It hit me when I went to work this morning, I want to be here for her. I want to be a stand up person because I want to raise a stand up person. Hurt people created hurt people. This is why I am taking the time today, to go to therapy, seek help when I need it, no matter what kind of help I need. Replacing my ego with humility and allowing my attitude to be one of gratitude, respect and equanimity. These come in handy when I dislike the way my life turns. I try to keep the darkness at bay within changing my perspective. I believe that in order to truly heal a person may seek to be as honest with themselves as much they can allow. I was a complete bull shit artist, a master manipulator. The fucked up thing is that I had no idea how awful it was till I started hurting the people that I love. I loved myself so little and thought my worth lied in what others dictated. When I awoke to the facts and stopped listening to the dark and twisty inside my brain, I felt disappointed. I was ashamed that I took so long to get here, and it took me being a condescending know it all to learn REAL life lessons. I had to endure real pain.

The past two and a half years has not been easy, but I think I remember hearing that nothing worth anything is EASY. I have lost people, security, freedom, ideals, beliefs and indoctrinated misconceptions about my life and myself that were the MOST difficult to let go. I am willing to find the space in between my in breath and out breath. That moment when I realize I just exist and need to do nothing else.

I can only hope my daughters future is as full of happiness as her day was today.Everyone close to my wife and I reached out to our angel. If most of them knew how much this little human has been the catalyst to true clarity. I tell her to stay in her moment, we meditate, talk and share. I know know I am here to grow through the pain much like many things come out of roughness. I know now because of my past experience how NOT to be, and then how to replace fear with LOVE. I remain in my mission to restore my sanity through serenity and gain clarity through radical acceptance and acknowledgment of who I am, and as the cosmic spirit of Ram Dass echoes, “You are not your thoughts and perceptions, you are not who you think you are.BE HERE NOW. ”

Sleep well Fam ,

Be well &Beat Health

Wonder Sampson