develop.

I wish I could explain what it feels like to know you are actually healing. It is not an effervescent feeling, no sparkles, glitter or fairy dust. However, it puts me exactly where ai need to be. Crazy world be a bit of an understatement, if you really delve into the dynamic dialogue that happens to be my story.

From a young as I can remember I have fought my way through some type of adversity. Be it abuse in my youth, adolescent and adult ears, or the constant drug and alcohol addiction that has taken me YEARS to get under control, not to mention more than one type of eating disorder. Then we have life, love, lies, loss (I call those the Four L’s you can never plan for) . Then we have what some world call terminal illness, along with the corporal adoption of my daughter, a responsibility no one can be prepared for, no one.

All of these moments, I genuinely believe happened for a reason. Maybe to help progress me enough my mentality to understand suffering with an open heart. Or possibly, to be witness to the end of a viscous cycle I am now strong enough to let go of, WHO KNOWS… these are just a couple of the small gifts that healing and radical acknowledgement of my own trauma brought into my moorings and nights. It is available ALWAYS. This happens to be a very difficult thing to understand. I will be 41 in 2022 and it didn’t hit me until I was 39. It came to my awareness, that I no longer have to live the way that I was living. I didn’t have to make the choices that caused so much suffering for myself, the calamity I created in my own mind was enough to make anybody feel suffocated, overwhelmed or anxious. There is no magic sauce, or instant karma that brings goodness into your life. I tend to rely on science, and even in spirituality, which I do not push on people at all, however I rely on the science of my spirituality to keep me focused, willing and strong enough to handle the truth, Even when it seems impossible.

My journey started young. I was always a sponge. Absorbing knowledge and experience like water. Clinging on to words I heard and learned, approaching my world with eyes WIDE open to reality. I was raised with religion, I learned about faith in Catholic school. I look back on it today and am so grateful my family sent me to AHS ( Assumption High School) . I learned lessons, even when I didn’t want to. It’s kind of difficult to not buy into the sacrament, mass and I especially love listening to homilies on a regular basis growing up. Until I did it anymore. I went on retreat after retreat. That was when I learned about Thomas Merton. Which led me to read books like, *The Severn Storey Mountain*. This sparked my interest for things I had not known before, I knew that God was love or at least that’s what I learned. But I also knew a dogma that was not the way I felt and when I began to read books like that one I came to understand that love, love was the answer to all of our problems. Understanding, acceptance and acknowledgment of our own realness, frailty and ignorance allows us to become who we are intended to be. I was interested in the deeper spiritual self early. My maternal great grandmother was high percentage Cherokee, her along with my great grandfather, her husband, taught me that god was in the land. The grass, flowers, fruit and vegetables. That those things feed not only us but the animals we love so much, along with the ones that feed us.

It was after high school I got into Research of outside influences, for lack of better wording. I’ve read about Occult , Sufism, mysticism Taoism, Jainism, Hindu, Buddhism, and Judaism. I enjoyed a lot of the Quran, and even became infatuated with the Bible, many different parts of it I searched for “God” and remained lost for many years. It only came when I fell apart completely, and the pain got too much for me to handle on my own . I talk about pain because it’s a very difficult thing to wrap your head around. I knew pain hurt, but I had no idea how much pain could teach me. I was clueless, very much like Alicia Silverstone in the movie that I love so much as a teenager. Oblivious to what my existence was worth, not just my existence but the existence of all beings.

I fell apart after high school, searching for things to fill the void from abandonment, childhood trauma and the lack of love for myself would alienate anybody. To be alienated from oneself it’s kind of like being a ghost I think, constantly looking at yourself not being able to close your eyes and see who you really are. I lived that life for a very long time, hiding from who I really was because of embarrassment or shame. I once heard from a therapist that Shame is a feeling no one should feel. It’s a ridiculous emotion that allows us to put ourselves in jail for things you would probably not blame anybody for doing. It took me a very long time to walk out of that darkness, however without that darkness I would not have felt enough pain to know that I want to do something to make the planet a better place… every single day of my life . I wake up in the morning now knowing that just my existence could possibly help someone live a better day. The coolest thing about it is I don’t really have to do anything but put 1 foot in front of the other and do the work that is set in front of me. It’s really simple, I know what the truth is so I use it to my advantage. I then choose to do service and get out of my own head, because it’s not a very hospitable place for anybody to hang out for very long. Just saying…

I’m not blogging about some get better quick scheme nor am I at all hopeless. I chose a path and it’s a path of balance and staying in the middle of things. In the middle of my life, and decisions. I stand up today really my abilities to help other people. I recently got my certification to be a health coach and I have been a yoga teacher for seven years. I have spent a grand amount of time changing my mind about myself. Had I not done that, I would not be on the path that I am today. I consider this path a very successful one. It is not glittered with gold or diamonds, I don’t live in $1 million mansion nor do I ever want to. I would really like to be able to make enough of a living to take care of myself and my family, beyond that I want to help other people. I want to be able to say yes when people need help, regardless of the need be it time, money , effort or love, and I want to be able to enable people to help themselves. I personally have been in and out of 12 step programs the majority of my adult life. I’m not what some people call a big book advocate however I do agree with a lot of white Bill Wilson says. I use the 12 step program, the eight step program and radical recovery methods to help me stay true to myself and right sized. I know that my life is meaningful and no longer meaningless. I’m aware that even just one smile could cause someone to have a better day and today I don’t even need credit for those things, and for that I’ll be forever grateful.

I have begun to develop into exactly who I think I am. The person I’ve always wanted to be, and on this path in this journey of life that I’m living I have the ability to help other people thrive and become survivors. I get to be liberated and free enough to help others do the same thing.

One of the closest people to me is a photographer, and he just recently finished building his dark room. I couldn’t imagine being a photographer without a dark room, seeing how things come out and develop slowly through the chemical processes. I relate that a lot to what it’s like being human… we start out in a roll of film that everybody impresses everything upon . Then we come out and get developed dipicted into this permanent likeness. One that everybody sees just like a photograph. Today, Because of the time I’m taking to develop, I am lucky enough to say that the picture I’ve developed into , I’m no longer ashamed to hang on the wall.

*New Moon in Aquarius ♒️ @ 12:46 am 2/1/22*

Best Health, Be Well ♥️ Wonder