A day in February

It seems as if this month never ends. Demanding my feelings and emotions on point which is extremely difficult.

Take today for example, I woke up sore, not upset just physically sore. I may have slept incorrectly or one better… I am 100% sure I could be holding on to some in-needed stress. February is a packed month for me, which is a beautiful thing, yet I am an intuitive empath that feels all of the feelings. I am getting better at separating mine and others. I was horrible at that for years. I thought of you or anyone felt some particular way, I had to feel no it v with You… sometimes even for the person. A lot of work and B prentice in the here and now helps. I pray, every single day. Wait, before you stop reading, it’s not what you think. This is not a blog with ulterior motives. In no way am I trying to obtain “followers” or draw my readers into aspecific beliefs. I practice what I preach. I do not expect anything in return. Today I am privileged to be exactly where I am supposed to be, and loving it regardless of it is good or bad. I am a practicing Buddhist, and yes meditation has changed the path of my life. I am convinced the more consistent I am at sitting still and talking the time to live life, instead of rushing through every single activity, the more fluent I become in the languages of Love, Peace, and freedom. Freedom from the constant need to please.

However, I was talking about waking up sore. It always kinda terrifies me when I feel new pain. When I first started meditating I could only concentrate on. Body scan’s. It was the only way I could sit still. Meditation has become a key part of my every day existence. Typically I at least sit for 5 to 7 minutes I just recently sat still and meditated for over 35 minutes and was elated. When I heard my bell go off to let me know that my session was done, I couldn’t believe it. I had stayed awake the whole time I was meditating. For months when I first started meditating I fell asleep every single time I meditated. I haven’t really read up on it however when I do know, falling asleep is not a sign of failure, it's a sign that you are a relaxed (and possibly exhausted) meditator. I also personally Close to experiment with do many different types of prentice until I was able to find a way to remain relaxed and stay the fuck awake.

If particular day in February I wish I could say that my meditation practice was helping. With his pain it is not, it is assisting me on excepting the pain however pain is just a symptom of what’s really going on. Like I said before February is a tough month for me, and it always seems to go on forever. It’s really hard for me to get vulnerable, I have been working on it in therapy for the past six or seven months. It has changed my life, so I’m going to attempt to get really raw and my blog moving forward.

I am a mother, and the experience I have with being a mother I think delivers insight. The world I live in now is vastly different in comparison to the life I lived before I was a mother. I am a wife as well, however the relationship and marriage is much different from a relationship with a child. I will touch at another time. This week was a very emotional week, I’m in the first two years of my marriage, and for lack of a better word this shit is really hard. I do not love my wife any less, only my more… however I feel like I am reaping what other people have seen before I was ever around. Hurt people, hurt people. My daughter is in constant fear of losing because she’s lost since she was a child. In all of our crazy experiences is addicts, sometimes to things we forget about seem obsolete to us. We take ourselves out of the situation in order to avoid hurting our loved ones, like our children are animals our parents. However we failed to realize that us not being around is sometimes the most painful for these people. My mom was never around and when she was it was only because she wanted some type of credit for something, or because she was gaining something out of it to make her feel better. I’m some eat or shipowner. I give her credit she did the best that she could , however I don’t think she ever really was equipped to be MY mother. I’m right with that today, but it taught me how I never want to be with MY daughter.

I was just telling my sponsor the other day that I feel sorry that my mother never had a chance to have to type of relationship I have with my daughter. I didn’t even carry my daughter in my womb, she didn’t even become a daughter until she was 11. Yet the bond I have with her is unbreakable, I literally would bleed out for this kid. I tell people on a regular basis “my daughter and my dog ..if anybody were to mess with them I would go to prison.” I would be proud in prison if I did something that made it easier for my daughter to live. OK… ok I’m going off on a bit of a rant, this certain day in February I’m trying to look inside and use that negative energy that I feel for something productive. The sadness that surrounds my psyche right now makes me think all sorts of bad things. It’s Barb to sit still, this shot is NOT EASY. Being a bipolar person it’s really difficult to discern the difference between irrationality and real fear …Sometimes I think I like to just create a crisis so I have something to fix.

Life is a series of fuck ups. I have been doing this since I was a child, my daughter is 14, it’s like I’m reliving my childhood. I watch her suffer every single day having to makie choices that I had to, however I can’t stop her from making her own choices. I wanted to in the beginning, it’s been really hard learning but I have to know my role in this situation. This i turn, is teaching me to learn my role in every single place I have in my life. Meditation makes the pain easier to accept, it doesn’t make it go away. I’m learning now that if there was something that could make the pain go away I wouldn’t learn anything from the experience. Which may be why it took me so long to get sober.I know I say this on a regular basis but I’m really grateful for the pain that I endure. I told my daughter today that I have a very fragile psyche, I’ve been broken a lot of times, but every time I put myself back together I get stronger. Strength lies in the pain, Wayne dyer says “ you can’t teach your children through telling them how to do things you teach your children through action and example.“ Or something like that. The pain that I experience on a regular basis it’s just teaching me how to be a better mother, wife and a all-around person. It’s a different perspective that’s all I’m saying I try to sell anybody on anything it’s just a different perspective, and the disease that I have that can kill me every single day is a Disease of perspective.

How to get Saturday.

Wonder