12:9

Lock the door. Turn off all the lights. Be alone with yourself.

This is the hard shit. Dealing with the what and why said person is upset. I use “said person” because I am not here to tell anyone anything. I am a thinker and as it comes with the territory I analyze abs break down. I tear apart abs put out back together to figure it all out. I have had some struggles, in this specific arena. It is kind of like I get suffocated by wanting to know so much, it overwhelms me to the point of exhaustion. Both literally and metaphorically. The pain of spring still used to be greater, I used to not be able to sit down for 30 seconds much less 15 minutes.

Time has allotted me many gifts. There are three that I will address today. Patience, Honesty and acceptance. The dynamic trio of virtues seem simple enough, however one may come to be the most debilitating and terrifying things to learn to value. trust and use in any life, any life that is worth living, if you are asking me. I am not only a stronger person because of these three values, I am a diversified thinker, whose thoughts embrace others lives. My connection too my self has depended and grown in ways I could have only aspired. When I close my eyes at night. Or at all, I am no longer scared as I used to be. The “what ifs” of life are more intriguing and no longer cause anxiety. All because of some good orderly directions from a select few the universe chooses to send to me. Some of which I have known since birth, others of which I only know a brief moment. All of who I owe a debt of gratitude EVERY SINGLE DAY I CONTINUE TO BREATHE.

The virtues I speak of in order are patience, honesty and acceptance. Patience I learned earlier than any of these, mainly because I now know life comes on its own terms. Regardless of I rush, want, pray it will…. Anything will happen, be, love, die, exist without my permission…. Or it can just wait. Life has made me sit still B more than anything , essentially when it’s the last thing I want to do. Yet learning that events or happenings are just that, happening and have nothing to do with me. I’m Just observing most everything… if you can imagiine. Honesty… and acceptance go hand in hand you see. I was a liar FOR A LONG TIME … I was extremely good at it. I worked in sales, I loved the way nice things looked abs how people believed I was when I had them… without reverence to who or c what it v affected. Then my life changed, I will say those hard stories for another time and just touch on what honesty and acceptance has done for me and changing my life. I recently learned that the things that anger me the most are merely a symptom of the trauma I have yet to overcome from my childhood. Period.

I want in this tonight by just saying childhood trauma is a real thing, I will continue to talk about my trauma which is my truck not yours not anybody else’s. I will continue to dig deep because that’s what my therapist tells me to do, I will continue to be honest in all the words that I say and except myself for who I am. I plan to do this word so I can get over the point in my life that keeps me angry and level up to the availability of presents that I’ve never experienced before. If it gets any better than the serenity I have gained from having these type of virtues in my life I plan on putting even harder work in to my life in the future. You only get this one chance you only get this one life and I’ve been repeating this over and over to my 13-year-old time and time again. We don’t think we’re young that anything will happen to us, we think we’re invincible we think we’re untouchable thoughts don’t cross our minds until our consequences become apparent and then we begin to question who we really are and what we are really about, what we really stand for, what really matters to us. On that note I’m gonna try to close my eyes tonight I’m gonna try to get some sleep I’m gonna try to dream I’m gonna try to not be so worried about my daughter when she goes to school praying she doesn’t get shot praying that no one gets Covid … praying for anybody who is suffering that they know I’m praying for their suffering regardless if they know me or not.